Road Trip!
by Crescent Venus
Summary: Forced to attend a Duel Monsters convention in New York, Yugi finds himself on a crosscountry trek that brings new meaning to the phrase only in America. Unfortunately, the rest of the cast is coming along for the ride... [ON HIATUS]
1. The Saga Begins

Road Trip!

A.N.—Okay, so this is yet another "Yu-Gi-Oh cast road trip." I like to think, however, that mine is unique. And pretty funny. You make the call.

Yami may or may not have some importance, mostly because he's so hard to write. He may have a scene thrown in every now and then. You can bet your boots that Yami B's gonna be in this, though. He's so much fun…  ::Sigh::

The story's set in America, and just for fun, Domino City is somewhere in Southern California, but not too far from L.A.

Téa and Tristan bashers, be warned—I have a fondness for them—and I like to write them as tolerable people. No friendship rants here! Give it a try—they act like normal people (here, at least). 

For the purposes of this story, Téa is an only child, as is Yugi. Here, though, Yugi is an orphan living with his grandpa (Apparently, he has a mom, but until I've seen a character on TV, I refuse to write about them). And according to the manga, Tristan has an older sister, so there you go…

Pairings in this story are: Yugi/Téa, Joey/Mai, Tristan/Serenity. Yeah. I'm hetero. What else is new? The major reason I don't do Yami/Yugi and Bakura/Yami Bakura is due to the simple fact that they're the same person. (After all, they're the dark half and light half of the same soul.) Seemed kind of disturbing to me. I mean, I'd _heard_ of loving yourself, but…

Flames will be laughed at for their lack of constructive criticism, then used to toast s'mores (Mmm, s'mores…). 

Written by: Crescent Venus & Elf Queen

Chapter 1: Surfin' USA

As with every major collectible card game, there are bound to be conventions. At such conventions, one can see a marvelous array of the somewhat normal casual fan to the hyper-obsessed "social misfit" otaku. At such conventions, one can perhaps see the creator of said card game. Maybe even its current champion. 

Which was the reason Yugi Motou was headed to New York.

After all, as the "King of Games," and the current Duel Monsters Champion, he was fairly obligated to appear. This didn't mean that he actually _wanted_ to go, however.

Which was the reason he was glaring at his duffel bag at 3:30 P.M. on Thursday afternoon.

_Stupid convention. You just know, there's **bound** to be trouble…_

_/What was that?/_

_That stupid convention I have to go to_, Yugi whined to the dark half of his soul, known as Yami. 

_/Ah, yes. **Why** do we have to go, again?/_

_Because I'm the game's current champion, and I have a moral obligation and to go, and…_

_/Did Pegasus "suggest" that you come?/_

A pause.

_/Yuuuuggiiiii…/_

_Yeah?_

_/Great./_

_Well, it wasn't as much "suggesting" as "thinly veiled threats," but that's up to you to make the call._

_/I'LL MIND CRUSH HIM! HE CAN'T GET AWAY WITH IT THIS TIME!/_

_Calm down_, Yugi idly told Yami. _After all, he can't do anything…funny…when we're surrounded by people. Unless he wants to do a heck of a lot of explaining that doesn't make sense to **anyone** not connected to the Millennium Items or the Shadow Games. Heck, it doesn't even all make sense to **me**!_

_/Don't worry about it. At the first sign of any soul-stealing tendencies, just call for me./ _Yami paused. _/And when did he call you, anyway?/_

_Uh…two weeks ago…_

_/TWO WEEKS? YOU'VE KNOWN ABOUT THIS FOR TWO WEEKS? **WHY** IN THE NAME OF RA DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?/_

_Because you would've done just that. And you were napping. Didn't want to disturb you._

In his soul room, Yami laid down on his bed, and began to massage his temples. For a 5,000 year-old half-soul trapped inside a gold puzzle with no corporeal body (except for that of the reincarnation of the other half of his soul), he sure had a major headache right about now.

_/Sweet mother of Osiris. We're in deep.../_

_Hey, Yami, should I take my black T-shirt that I hacked the sleeves off and frayed the collar, or the black T-shirt with the cut-off sleeves and pre-rugged collar?_

_/What's the difference?/_

_Uh…_

_/Thought so./_

_Hey!_

_/Look, most of your clothes are black…and most of them you altered yourself. What's the difference between any of them?/_

_Well…_

_/This is going to be a LONG trip…/_

~~~~'

Téa Gardner leaned against the kitchen counter, frowning. She twisted the phone cord in her fingers as she listened to the receiver. "You're kidding," she said, blinking her huge turquoise eyes. "In the name of all that is STILL good left in this world, please tell me you're kidding, Yugi."

A pause.

"No?"

Téa smacked herself in the forehead. "You do realize that you will be spending nearly forty-eight hours in the presence of a madman who stole the souls of three people, your grandfather included, nearly got Tristan, Bakura and me sent to the Shadow Realm, nearly killed YOU, AND likes pink bunnies?"

"Like I had a choice!"

"You COULD have gotten Yami, you know!"

"He was napping! You do NOT know what he's like when he's napping. He gets really, really, REALLY cranky, and hearing Pegasus would have made it worse." Yugi paused thoughtfully. "I wonder if Yami can perform mind crushes over the phone."

"Look, I don't want to think about it," Téa groaned. "The pressing question is 'What are you going to do?' You can't just go by yourself, Yugi; his goons will be on you in a heartbeat. They'll take the Puzzle and…do worse things to you…" she trailed off, unable to continue. A chill was spreading across her body. The chill of fear. She'd nearly lost Yugi to that creep once. She wasn't going to lose him again.

"I know, I know," Yugi sighed, frustrated. "But I can't think of any other way. Neither can Yami." He paused. "Although he's been mumbling something about bringing the Dark Magician to life as a bodyguard for the past half-hour."

Téa flinched. "He can't…DO that…can he?" _Just great. More of what we need—REAL Duel Monsters floating around Domino._

"Nah, I think it just makes him feel better."

Téa bit her lip. "Why don't I come with you, then?"

"W-what?"

"You know—I'll come along with you. As a bodyguard. I'll make sure that Pegasus and his goons can't touch you."

Yugi thanked God personally that she couldn't see him blushing over the phone. "I—I'd like that." A pause. "What are you going to tell your parents?"

"That I'm going to be checking out dance schools," Téa said smoothly. "Honestly, my parents are great people, and I love them dearly," she lowered her voice conspiratorially, "but they're not the brightest bulbs on the Christmas tree."

That earned a chuckle from Yugi. "Good. Look, I have to ask Grandpa about it, but I'll call you when I figure this out, okay?"

"Uh…fine, I guess…I'll start packing, then."

"And Téa?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't forget your toe shoes," Yugi teased.

Although he couldn't see her, Téa stuck out her tongue.

* * *

After Yugi hung up the phone, he heaved a sigh. _Better finish packing, I guess…_ As he turned, he nearly ran into his grandfather.

"Are you sure this is a good idea, Yugi?"

Yugi felt like smacking himself silly. "You're the third person who's asked that today, Grandpa, and I'm telling you: I don't have a choice. If I had one, I would be spending the time watching _SD Gundam_ until my brain turns to mush, and eating endless bowls of pudding, but that doesn't look like it's gonna happen, either."

Grandpa scratched his head. "I don't know—I'd feel a lot safer if someone went with you."

"Téa said she'd go…"

"Like I said, someone _else_…"

Yugi felt himself turn cherry-red. "So, Téa's not responsible enough?"

"That wasn't what I was worrying about, Yugi…"

Yugi blushed even redder.

"I would go with you, but someone has to watch the shop—and I am NOT leaving it to the tender mercies of Joey and Tristan."

Yugi winced at the mental image of what the Turtle Game Shop might look like after the 'Danger-prone Duo,' as Téa had dubbed them once, were done with it. _NOT pretty_.

Grandpa sighed. "I don't know what to tell you, Yugi."

"C'mon, Grandpa," Yugi wheedled, "it isn't like Téa's the worst driver in the world. We'll get there all right."

Grandpa sighed, throwing his hands into the air. "Fine, fine, you win." He rubbed the back of his head. "Just—at least take the cel phone with you, and call me every now and then to let me know what's happened."

Yugi whooped with joy. "Gotta call Téa!" He paused before heading for the phone in the kitchen. "And you were worried about us crashing her dad's van! Silly gramps…"

Grandpa Motou sighed, shaking his head. "That isn't _exactly_ what I'm worried about," he mumbled.

* * *

And thus, the day of the trip dawned bright and sunshiny, with chirping birds and laughing flowers, and smiling—

Whatever. You get the picture. It was happy, okay?

And at 7:37 a.m., Yugi Motou was standing in Téa Gardner's driveway, staring at the motor vehicle in front of them. "It's huge," he whispered.

"It should be," Téa frowned. "It _is_ an RV, after all."

Mr. Gardner had volunteered the use of the family's old camper/RV/insanely huge van, as well as sleeping bags, premade food, and several hundred dollars in gas and emergency money.

But that still left one question.

"Who's going to drive?" Yugi questioned, huge violet eyes becoming slits. "You don't have your license, and I'm nowhere near tall enough to reach the pedals."

Téa coughed. "That's the part I didn't mention on the phone," she mumbled.

"What?" Yugi's curiosity was overcoming his suspiciousness. 

"TA-DA!"

Throwing open the door of the van and grinning like the (loveable) idiots they were, sat Tristan and Joey. 

"Morning' Yuge," drawled Joey lazily.

"Ready to hit the road?" Tristan grinned.

Yugi turned white. Whiter than Bakura's hair, even. "Y-y-y…" he stuttered. "Y-you-you-you're really—you're-'re gonna…" He began drawing in funny gulps of air. "YOU'RE gonna drive?"

Frowning briefly, the two taller boys nodded.

Yugi promptly fainted.

Everyone blinked.

Téa smack her forehead. "This is _not_ a good start."

* * *

AN—Well, it's not a good start for Yugi and Co., but it's a pretty good one for our fic! Any suggestions? Questions? Comments? Concerns? Push that little button marked 'review,' and let 'er rip, baby!


	2. The Airport

_Just so anyone is curious, no, I don't mean to imply in the story that Téa and Joey hate each other. I just think that they can get on each other's nerves likes brothers and sisters do. (Which my own siblings can testify to.)_

_Chapter 2: The Airport_

"…And that's fifty points for me. I win." Yugi checked off a square on the piece of cardboard he held.

Téa sighed, flinging her board across the van. "I can't believe it."

Joey looked up. "That you lost, or that Yugi found the white stretch limo before you did?"

"That's we're playing 'Roadside Bingo'! I can't believe that we're so bored that we have to revert to games for whiny seven-year-olds!"

Yugi shrugged good-naturedly. "It kept you and Joey from killing each other for an hour."

Joey paused from collecting the boards. "Why _did_ your dad happen to have these on hand, Téa?"

Yugi frowned and examined the boards closely. "Aren't these the same bingo boards we played with back in second grade, when your mom drove us places?"

Téa blinked, flushing a deep red. "Oh my God, I can't believe they _kept_ them," she groaned.

Joey grinned evilly. "Are you sure that _you_ didn't keep 'em?" he suggested. "To use when you and your parents go out?"

Téa turned even redder. "Joey Wheeler, you have some nerve…" she began.

"Come on, Téa, we won't tell if you still play kiddie car games, everyone has their guilty pleasures!"

"JOEY!" Téa was practically frothing at the mouth now, and looked ready to rip the blonde's head off his neck.

Unfortunately, Joey, not being of the same perception as his compatriots, continued to 'dig his own grave.' "I mean, I never woulda pegged _you_ as being the…GARG!"

At this point, Téa had launched herself from her seat and begun to throttle him. Yugi briefly wondered why the seatbelt wasn't holding Téa to her seat (Wasn't that sort of defeating the purpose, after all?) before trying to separate the two.

"Don't stop me, Yugi!" she shrieked like a madwoman. "Kill! Rip! Tear!"

"Garfle," Joey gurgled, which could have meant anything…or nothing. Yugi decided that he was trying to say "Help me, Téa's lost it!"

"Um, guys…" he tried. Téa went on choking Joey, whilst the blonde turned some very interesting shades of blue Yugi had only ever seen in that jumbo-sized box of 96 crayons he still kept from childhood (safely hidden under the bed, of course).

_Oh, great…_

As the shrieking and gurgling reached a crescendo, there came a scream from the cabin: "DON'T MAKE ME STOP THIS CAR!"

The three blinked in confusion, even Joey. Yugi climbed into the front to see Tristan, hands clenched on the steering wheel, with a blank look on his face. "Uh…Tristan?" Yugi ventured.

Tristan shook himself, and his expression returned to normal. "Wow…I finally turned into my dad…" his voice held a note of awe and utter horror. "What was going **on** back there? It sounded like a massacre!"

"Uh…" Yugi struggled for explanation. "Joey," he finished, hoping Tristan would understand.

"Ah," the brunet nodded, in complete comprehension. "Just go back there and tell him to shut up unless he wants to ride on the roof, 'kay?"

"HEY! I heard that, you big lummox!" Joey shouted from the back of the van.

"Good," Tristan replied languidly. "Now shut your yap before I have to come back there and beat you."

"I'd like ta see you try, you doof!"

Tristan yawned.

"So, how far are we from Domino?" Yugi queried.

Tristan's eyes briefly flickered to the roadmap covering the passenger's side of the dashboard. "We're making pretty good progress. In an hour or so, we should be near L.A."

"Cool!" Téa's eyes sparkled.

"And no, we're not stopping to go visit shops or whatnot," Tristan continued, "We will drive by. You may lean out the window and take pictures if you wish, but we will be avoiding the city like the plague."

Téa gave him a raspberry. {A.N. You know, that thing where you stick your tongue out and make a 'Pbbft' noise? I can't do it, but my sister can. It's funny…}"Mean."

"I know," Tristan drawled, "I'm SOOO mean." He gave a brief, evil grin. "But watcha gonna do?"

Joey shrugged. "Besides, the traffic's horrible. Tris is right. We should probably just stay clear away from L.A." He paused. "Hey, I made a rhyme!"

"Whoop-de-do," Téa muttered. Yugi sighed.

"I'm a poet, and I don't even know it!"

Perhaps God was smiling on Téa and Yugi, or maybe even Fortune herself favored the teens. While a bolt of lightning did not spring from the heavens to knock Joey unconscious to stop his horrible poetry, the next best possible thing happened.

Yugi's cell phone began to ring.

"Is that the can-can?" Tristan blinked.

Yugi smiled sheepishly as he reached for it. "My cell assigns different callers a specific song. Téa's is 'Dancing Queen,' and so on, but I can't remember who has the can-can." He frowned briefly, before turning the phone on. "Hello?"

The short teen blinked as he listened to the caller. "Uh…hey. Nice to hear from you, too." __

Joey bounced over. "Who is it?" he asked breathlessly.

Téa smacked him upside the head. "Quiet. Yugi's talking on the phone."

Joey scowled. "I can **see** that."

"Then shut up!"

"YOU shut up!"

"No, **you** shut up!"

"NO, YOU!"

"**YOU**!"

"No, YOU!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"SHUT UP BEFORE I HAVE YAMI MIND CRUSH YOU!" Yugi screamed.

The bickering friends' eyes bulged, and they hastily scuttled away from each other.

Yugi sighed. "Sorry about that," he apologized to the caller. "You were saying? You're **where**?" He bit his lip. "I don't know…we weren't planning on going into the city, but…"

Whoever was on the other end began yelling loudly. Téa could almost make out some of the words. She swore she could have heard 'ring,' but maybe it was something else.

Yugi sighed heavily. "Okay, okay, we'll be there. I promise. Okay. Okay. Goodbye. Okay. GOODBYE!" With that, he punched the little button to end the call session.

He looked up to see Téa and Joey's expectant faces. "Who was it?" shouted Tristan. "And what did they want."

Yugi fiddled with the cell. "That was Bakura calling…" he began.

Joey blinked in confusion. "What'd he want?"

Téa briefly looked confused. "I thought he was in England for the summer, visiting relatives.

"Well, he's back. He's stuck at Los Angeles International Airport, {A.N. Don't own that, obviously} and he kinda wants us to pick him up."

Joey scowled. "He's got a dad. Why doesn't **he** pick him up?"

"His dad is in Egypt. Work."

Joey made a sympathetic face.

Téa frowned thoughtfully. "So, does he think that we're back in Domino?"

Yugi shrugged. "Most likely."

A semi-wicked grin crept onto her face. "I guess he doesn't know that when he called the Yugi Motou hotline, he just got himself pulled onto the Road trip!" she snickered.

Joey grinned. "We're sure as heck not gonna turn around. May as well take him with us."

* * *

Yugi scampered into the cab to negotiate with Tristan.

"WHAT?"

The van skidded off to the side of the road.

"Please?" Yugi whined.

Tristan set his jaw. "No way. We are not going into that traffic trap."

"But it's Bakura! He'd be stuck there all alone…"

Tristan sighed. "You won't let up until I say yes, will you?"

"Nope!"

Tristan squeezed his eyes shut. _Why do I have to be the 'nice guy'?_ "Fine. Yes."

"Whoo-hoo! Los Angeles ahoy!"

Tristan briefly considered smashing his head into the steering wheel.

* * *

Bakura sat patiently upon a horrible orange vinyl chair, the kind that molds itself to your body, sticky on any exposed part of your legs. He gulped, clutching his carryon. He didn't like airports. Too many people. Too many **crazy** people. And too much possibility for his Yami to go off and destroy something.

He allowed himself a brief glance to the side. A hugely fat woman with bluish hair and too much stifling perfume smiled at him. Her eyes gleamed under her rhinestone-rimmed glasses. "If you aren't a cute one," she purred.

Bakura quickly turned away, squeezing his eyes shut.__

_Yugi, get here soon!_

* * *

As Tristan navigated the (indeed) heavily-trafficked streets of Los Angeles, he grumbled underneath his breath the entire time about traffic, Yugi, airports, and how he _really_ hated himself. Not that anyone in the back was paying him much mind. Joey and Téa had been getting on each other's nerves for the past hour, and had been bickering over a granola bar.

Yugi decided to count the individual fibers in the carpet, thus ignoring his now-psychotic friends.

He had reached 27,00 by the time that Tristan slammed the brakes to a halt, announcing (with bad grace) that they had arrived. "I will be remaining inside the vehicle," he said grimly, "so you can just hop in, pick Bakura up, and come back out."

"Don' worry, Tristan," Joey grinned, giving him the thumbs-up signal, "twenty minutes, tops."

As they disembarked from the van, Yugi could have sworn he heard Tristan mutter, "Yeah, I've heard **that** one before."

* * *

The very fat women gave Bakura a predatory smile. "If you aren't just the cutest little thing," she purred, "I could just eat you up!"

Bakura eyed the rolls of fat under the orange-and-purple muumuu and started quaking. _I really hope she doesn't like eating British kids…Yugi, save me!

* * *

_

"This place is huge," Téa murmured, craning her neck in all directions.

"Téa!" snapped Joey, "Don't do that! It makes you look like a tourist!" He put his hands behind his head, walking forward, when his jaw literally dropped. "Oh my God! It's that guy! It's him! It's Lucas!"

"Who?" Yugi inquired. _Maybe it's a friend of his…_

Joey was practically salivating. "It's Lucas! From _One Tree Hill!_"

Téa blinked. "Chad Michael Murray is _here_?" She shrugged. "Cool."

_/Yugi…who is this "Lucas" of whom Joey seems to be so fond of?/_

_He's an actor, on that 'TV' thing I explained to you._

_/Oh…/_

"I've got to get his autograph!" Joey yelped. He started running in the starlet's direction.

"But what about Bakura?" Yugi hollered.

"We'll get him later!"

Téa rolled his eyes. "I'll chase after him, Yugi, you go get Bakura."

"…Okay…"

* * *

The fat lady had sidled over a few seats. "How'd you like to come home with me?"

Bakura sweatdropped. _I'm in trouble, I'm in trouble, I'm in trouble…_

_What is going on?_

Bakura brightened. Yami had just been awakened from his nap. Maybe this could work…

_/I'm in trouble, Yami…/_

_You usually are…_ the ring spirit muttered. _Fine…I'll handle this…_

As Bakura was shut into his soul room, he smirked. He felt rather sorry for the old lady, now.

* * *

Téa was doing the best she could to keep up with Joey. She'd pulled off her sandals in favor of running barefoot through the airport. People might have given her odd looks, but she was too busy screaming and chasing after the blonde to notice.

She finally caught up to Joey as he was attempting to climb up a "down" escalator, chasing after his target. She panted, and then smirked as she straightened up. "You know, Joey," she drawled, "I never would have pegged you as being _that_ type."

Joey blinked as he stopped scrabbling for a grip on the rubber banister. "What type?"

T"ea's smirk became more pronounced. "Honestly, I won't tell anybody else. I never knew you were into guys."

* * *

People bustled about the airport, scurrying to terminals, greeting loved ones, or buying soft pretzels. The bustle was broken by a roar not unlike that of a Boeing 747.

"I'M NOT GAY!"

People stood still, shocked by the outburst. Then, a fly (who had not been affected by the bellow) landed on a pretzel, causing the vendor to reach out and squish it.

Life returned to normal.

* * *

Téa began striding in the direction she had seen Yugi walk off in. Joey followed behind her, protesting and babbling the whole way. "Honestly, Téa! How could you think that of me! I would never—I mean, what in the world… I love Mai! Everybody knows THAT!"

Téa felt like doubling over and cracking up. Joey took small things like this rather seriously, so she loved setting him off. "Then why were you practically drooling when you saw him?"

"Because Serenity watches that show!" he declared. "I wanted to get his autograph for her!"

"Suuure you did."

"Of course!"

"Uh-huh."

"What, don't you believe me?"

"Not entirely."

"What do you mean by THAT?"

"Just what I said."

"I'M NOT GAY, DARN IT! I'M NOT, I'M NOT!"

* * *

Yugi sighed. The airport was very big, and his legs were only so long. Walking large distances could get very tiring. Finally, he had managed to convince a desk clerk that he was not looking for his mother, and elicited from her the terminal that Bakura's airline had docked at.

He blinked as he arrived.

A small fire had erupted at the terminal, and the frantic desk clerk was attempting to locate a fire extinguisher. Several passengers were cowering at the other end of the waiting station under a barricade of overturned chairs. A fat, elderly lady was running around in circles, squawking, her wig on fire, and a rather large hole in the rear end of her muumuu showing polka-dotted bloomers. A security officer and the pilot were in another corner, arguing heatedly, looking as if they were ready to strip off their jackets and fight.

Standing serenely in the midst of the chaos was Bakura, clutching his carryon, and smiling angelically. "Hullo, Yugi! Ready to leave, chap?"

* * *

Téa was cheerfully sitting by the luggage carousel, ignoring a frothing Joey who was flirting with every woman in sight (regardless of age, features, or marital status) to prove his "manhood," as he put it.

Yugi and Bakura exited the elevator, one looking a bit shell-shocked, and the other cheerful as a granny on bingo night.

After a brief round of greetings (Téa giving him a hug, Joey shouting hello while trying to beg a twenty-something brunette for her phone number), Bakura picked up his suitcase, and followed Yugi out the door. Téa had to drag Joey by the ear, but managed to wedge him through the revolving door.

As they piled in, Tristan clapped Bakura on the shoulder, giving him a cheerful hello.

_Guess Tristan's cheered up…_ Yugi smiled.

"Off to home!" Bakura chirped happily. He blinked. "Why do you all have the most guilty looks on your faces?"

Joey sighed. "It's a long story, Bakura…"

"We'll fill you in," Téa added.

As Yugi shut the door, Tristan paused, sniffing the air. "Does anyone else smell brimstone, or is it just me?"

* * *

_AN: Whew, another chapter down. Sorry for the LONG pause, I was just incredibly lazy. I also had to re-write the first chapter, because Duke was originally supposed to be picked up here. Don't worry, we'll see him later…_

_And yes, Yami Bakura may have more episodes of chaos in the future…_

_No, I don't own Chad Michael Murray or 'One Tree Hill.' My sister Tory absolutely loves that show, so I decided to toss that in there…_

_Review time!_

_**Anime-ruthless**: Aw, thanks! I'm glad you like this! Don't worry, you will be kept laughing for MANY chapters to come…_

_Next time…_

_Bakura goes spastic as he learns that he's stuck with the gang for a cross-country trek, and Joey learns the hard way that you shouldn't mess with Téa. Yugi and co. decide to make a sidestop that yields yet ANOTHER passenger…_


	3. Viva Las Vegas!

_Usual disclaimer applied._

_Okay, I'm ashamed of myself here. ElfQueen and I go to all the trouble of coming up with this fic, and I go off on my own "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" tangent, and completely ignore the other two running fics I have. Sheesh. Out of my supreme guilt, may I present…_

_Chapter 3: Viva Las Vegas_

"WHAT???????????????"

Yugi sighed in frustration, whilst Téa looked incredibly guilty; Tristan rubbed his ears in pain, and Joey…

…was eating a granola bar and completely ignoring the frothing British boy next to him.

"What do you MEAN, we're not going back?" Bakura seethed, his normally doe-like eyes widening in rage.

Yugi sighed for the 38 millionth time. "Look, we'd decided on this road trip before, we need to get to New York as soon as we can, and taking you back to Domino just wasn't in the plan."

"But who will water my ferns?" Bakura whimpered, his anger subsiding. On second thought, perhaps he was merely switching tactics in order to ensure his success at coercing Yugi and co. to drive him back.

Joey shrugged. "They'll survive. Just water 'em a lot when ya get back."

Bakura looked scandalized. "Joey, you can't **do** that! They'll die!"

Joey blinked. "Oh."

Bakura glared.

"Do you really **need** to take care of them? I mean, you can always buy new ferns, right?"

"What do you mean, do I **need** to take care of them? Of course I do!"

Joey frowned slightly. "C'mon, Bakura, Yugi really needs to do this."

"But what about MY needs? You're so selfish! You never think about me!"

Téa rolled her eyes before turning to pick up her water bottle. "What **is** this, marriage counseling?"

* * *

Needless to say, Bakura was firmly overruled. The fair-haired boy pouted as they crossed the California-Nevada border, and attempted to write a plea for help in the fog his breath created on the window.

It was as they took a break at a rest stop that Tristan proposed an idea he had been nurturing since L.A.

"Why don't we go to Vegas?"

Téa, Yugi, and Bakura looked up at him, astonished. Joey, who had been squirming the past three miles, was currently utilizing "the little Duelists' room."

"Well," Téa began slowly, "it **would** be nice to go…but only if we didn't spend any money at a casino or anything."

"C'mon, Téa!" Tristan groaned. "Going to Vegas and not spending at least five bucks at the craps table [stop blushing, Bakura], is like going to church and sleeping through the sermon."

"I only did that **once**!" Joey barked as he rejoined the group, "and you'll never let me forget it, willya?"

Tristan rubbed his forehead. "Whatever you say, pal."

"What do you think, Yugi?" Téa chirped, trying to restore a sense of normalcy into the conversation.

Yugi bit his lip. _Okay, we can go off on a mini-tour of one of the neatest cities in the U.S., or we can make it to New York slightly early._

"Will there be fire and alcohol?" Bakura suddenly wanted to know. Strangely, none of Bakura's friends caught the wild glint in the boy's eyes, nor the sudden messiness of his hair.

"Duh, it's Vegas," Joey snorted.

"Then we're going, and none of you foolish mortals—er, guys, can stop me!" he triumphantly cried.

The entire group blinked.

"Okay…" Yugi slowly acquiesced, "but as long as we don't do anything illegal. We can't afford jail time."

Bakura snorted. "Please. Legality is highly overrated."

* * *

Téa brushed her skirt absent-mindedly. "What are we going to **wear**?" she murmured. Yugi looked at her sideways.

Tristan was **still** driving, Joey being slightly hyper off the protein bars he'd bought at the rest stop. Bakura had commandeered shotgun, and was trying to help Tristan navigate. None of the teens could now miss the slightly manic glint in his eyes as he contemplated something…

"Does it really matter what you have on?" Yugi murmured. "When you go into the city, I mean."

Téa looked at him, and blushed faintly. "It's a girl thing, I know. But…well…it's my first time in Vegas, and I want to…well, I guess, make a good impression."

"Téa, none of these people'll see ya again," Joey drawled.

She blushed, a little deeper this time. "I know, I know."

"I think you look nice in what you have on now," Yugi pointed out. He stopped and blushed, realizing what he'd just said to her. _Oh, man, she knows now…_

_Yugi's got a girlfriend, Yugi's got a girlfriend…_

_/Yami, shut up./_

_Can't make me._

_/You're a pain in the butt, you know that?/_

_I live to please._

Yugi groaned, and rolled his eyes. He could ignore Yami by taking off the Puzzle, but the Pharaoh would get huffy about it later, and do that stupid holier-than-thou 'I'm going to ignore you' shunning thing.

Téa smiled at him. "Thanks…" She was wearing a faded jean skirt trimmed with rhinestones and metal studs, and a soft white blouse embroidered with blue flowers.

Joey had been watching the interchange with eyes like a hawk, and let an insane grin slide across his face. "The two of you are so cute…" he grinned, reminding Yugi slightly of an insane monkey.

"What are you talking about, Joey?" Téa sighed, a vein slightly pulsing in her temple.

"Aw, don't try and deny it—you look adorable together!"

"Joey, explain yourself."

He smirked. "What—that you an' Yugi like each other?"

Téa and Yugi gaped at the blonde, looking much like a pair of sea bass.

"Yugi an' Téa, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G…"

* * *

As Bakura attempted to decipher the map, Tristan was attempting to find the appropriate turnoff. "Do we turn here…or a quarter mile down the road?" the brunet mumbled, studying the map intently. "Then again, if Joey hadn't spilled his orange Happy Juice on it, I might be able to read the blurry, patchy spots."

"AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

Bakura's eyes bulged until they, quite frankly, were nearly bulging out of his head. "What's that?"

"Téa and Joey arguing. Look at the number here. Do you think that's a seven, or a four?"

* * *

Yugi backed against the side of the van, watching as Joey was tied up into a pretzel, choked with his own arm. /_Téa is scaaaaary when she's mad…/_

"Uh, Téa?" he ventured.

Her blue eyes shone with manic delight as she nearly cut off Joey's respiration altogether.

"Téa, are you sure you don't need medication or something like that?"

She giggled madly as Joey flailed his left leg.

"TÉA! YOU'RE SCARING ME!"

Guiltily, the brunette started. "Oh—I'm sorry, Yugi."

"It's okay." They looked at each other for a minute. "Oh…and, Téa?"

"Yes?"

"Could you let Joey go now? He's turning funny colors."

She looked down at the maroon-faced boy she was choking. "Oh. Right."

And thus, Yugi Motou averted a near-crisis: preventing the death of his comrade, Joey Wheeler, and preventing the incarceration of his childhood friend and current crush, Téa Gardner.

Meanwhile, Tristan and Bakura had finally deciphered the map, guiding the group onto the correct highway leading to the city. The van inched closer and closer to the city, the occupants getting more and more excited.

Bakura was simply fidgeting, asking petulantly every five minutes, "Are we there **yet**?" Tristan kept gritting his teeth, answering to the negative. The twenty-third time this occurred, the teen violently whirled to face him.

"WOULD **YOU** LIKE TO DRIVE? HUH?"

Needless to say, Tristan would be relieved of driving duty for quite some time after this excursion was completed.

* * *

Flashing neon lights, casinos galore, and twice as many cars as L.A. announced that they had arrived in the Las Vegas city proper. Joey was fascinated by the blinking signs, nose pressed against the window. Téa huddled at the other end of the van, hoping nobody would think they were connected in any possible way.

Tristan managed to finagle a parking spot at "The Wheel O' Fortune." Yugi had to spend five minutes explaining to Joey that it was not the headquarters or the TV show, and they were not there to be contestants.

The valet was suspicious of the battered keychain Tristan handed him, (especially of the bright pink flamingo hanging from the chain) but Téa remembered to smile prettily at him, and the group was escorted into the casino proper.

The five teenagers stood in awe. The lobby was composed of white marble and gold leaf décor. Further on was a restaurant, and to the left was the actual casino.

"This place even **smells** rich," Joey gaped.

"I feel so…tiny…" Yugi whispered.

Tristan shook his head. "Hate ta break it to ya, buddy, but…"

Yugi swiftly kicked Tristan in the shins. "Don't remind me."

Téa began scolding Yugi for acting so violently, so no one noticed Bakura slip away…

* * *

The group had managed to finagle a table in the restaurant, and were enjoying an appetizer platter (the cost being almost that of a regular entrée at a normal restaurant, and the entrées being…even more expensive), as lounge singer after lounge singer performed the dinner entertainment.

None of them were actually very good, but a few of them were "pretty hot," as Tristan put it, so the male section of the group was briefly, and happily, distracted.

Téa, annoyed at all of them, and upset with Bakura for leaving, sat at the other end of the table, devouring every single mozzarella stick on the platter, disregarding the fact that too much cheese is not very good for you.

But as the show wore on, Téa continued to consume large quantities of processed cheese, Bakura still continued to elude the group by staying…wherever he was at…and Joey had become dazzled by one of the singers in particular.

Her name was Candy. "Cotton" Candy. A cutesy nickname given to a girl who really should have just finished high school, went on to college, earned a degree, found a fulfilling job, and became a productive member of society. Instead, Candy dropped out to become a lounge singer.

She wasn't a very good one, but that was beside the point in Joey's book. Candy's lack of talent apart, the show was unremarkable. Except for the fact that Joey seemed to have become more smitten as Candy's rendition of "It's Raining Men" continued, totally forgetting his quasi-girlfriend, Mai Valentine.

At one point, a rather annoyed Tristan had to physically restrain Joey from leaping onto stage to join the lounge singer of his dreams. And so, Yugi became the only unoccupied member of the group. He soon found an occupation in wondering just where Bakura had gone.__

_Yugi, is it a good idea to let Bakura out on his own?_

_/He's fifteen, Yami. Bakura's the most sensible out of all of us. Why should I be worried?/_

_Yami Bakura._

_/I'm worried, I'm worried, I'm worried…/_

"I'm gonna go find Bakura!" Yugi announced, leaping from the table. His three friends, busy with cheese and lounge singers, seemed oblivious to his declarations. Yugi, not caring at this particular moment in time, ran to the nearest door.__

_Do you have any idea where you're going?_

_/Not really. You?/_

_Nope._

_/I **really** hope this isn't the ladies' room…/_

Instead, our intrepid explorer had found the kitchen…where a small-scale pandemonium had erupted.

Every stove was on fire, with chefs running to and fro from the freezer, desperately attempting to smother the fire with ice. A double-decker wedding cake, set aside for some couple reception, had also been tampered with, the plastic bride and groom in flames. The sprinkler was attempting to help, despite the fact that it had been severely beaten with a blunt object.

In the midst of this, Yami Bakura sat on a counter, alternately drinking a bottle of Jack Daniel's and playing with a lighter.

Yugi immediately recognized the maniac glint in the boy's eyes, realizing it was the spirit of the ancient tomb robber before him, not his quiet, fern-loving, alcohol-intolerant friend Bakura.

He glared. "I can't take you **anywhere**, can I?"

"Lighten up," Yami Bakura slurred slightly. "I'm not **that** drunk…"

Suddenly, the door on the opposite side of the room flung open, with a frantic-looking chef pointing at the two boys. "It's him, Bob! The one with the crazy hair!" A burly, gorilla-like security officer, obviously Bob, stomped in.

Unfortunately, the chef and Bob had differing views on how "crazy" hair could get. The chef referred to Yami Bakura's spiky, bushy, silvery mane. Bob thought it meant the kid with bleached bangs and spiked black hair.

"You little troublemaker…" he growled, advancing on Yugi.

"Time to go!" chirped Yami Bakura, who leapt forward, and automatically smashed into the door.

Yugi blinked. In his Soul Room, Yami snickered, and momentarily possessed Yugi. "Smooth, thief, very **smooth**."

"Shut up," the tomb robber mumbled, "I thought it was a swinging door."

Bob was advancing even more.

"Time to go!" Yugi screamed, grabbing Yami Bakura by the collar and dragging him out the door.

* * *

Meanwhile, on stage, Candy had her arms spread, ready to deliver the crescendo of "Hit Me Baby, One More Time." Joey was faintly drooling in his seat; Tristan looked nearly comatose; Téa looked as if she'd had **enough** cheese.

At that precise moment, Yugi ran screaming out the door of the kitchen, dragging a rather drunk Yami Bakura behind him, with an apelike security guard chasing after them. The poor boy nearly collided with the singer, but jumped off the stage in time. Unfortunately, Bob, with the grace of a rhino, smashed into Candy, knocking her down, and stepping on her hair.

Oddly enough, her hair skidded across the floor.

Joey's jaw dropped to the floor. "It was a **wig**?"

Tristan smirked. "Next time, stick to dating duelists. They may be crazy, but what you see is what you get."

As Candy shrieked, clutching her buzz-cut styled head, Bob was running towards the door Yugi had himself run out of. Unfortunately for Bob, the lounge singer had had enough, and leapt off the stage, attempting to claw his eyes out with her six-inch-long manicure.

* * *

Yugi skidded into the main lobby, eyes darting around to try and find somewhere to hide. _The casino! That's it!_

"You know, you're really strong for a guy who's 4 foot 10," Yami Bakura slurred, attempting to stand up.

"Looks are deceiving," Yugi muttered, as he dashed into the casino.

While it was a veritable mass of humanity, Yugi had run into a problem. Where **exactly** should he hide? Under a poker table?

There was a roar in the direction of the restaurant. Yugi decided to take his chances. He grabbed Yami Bakura around the waist, and dived under a nearby table.

Yugi huddled there, praying that Bob wouldn't come beat the crap out of him. He shuddered and shifted his position, accidentally stepping on someone's shoe. "Sorry," he muttered.

"Yugi?" Yami Bakura didn't sound very happy…which was nothing unnatural but never a good sign.

"Um…yeah?"

"My tummy hurts."__

_Aw…poor widdle tomb robber's got himself a belly ache?_

_/Yami, you can be vicious sometimes./_

_Thank you._

"Yugi?" Once again, someone else was trying to talk to him. Most likely, it was the owner of the shoe. This time, there was more incredulity in the tone than anything. And it was really familiar, too?

"Um…yes. This is he." Or was it 'This is him'? He'd never been able to figure it out.

"What are you doing down there?" He could almost hear the smirk on the speaker's face.

"Hiding from security."

Yugi could hear a smack, as if the speaker had smacked himself on the forehead. "May I ask why?"

"Uh…" _Better say something…_ "The crazy spirit inside Bakura's Millennium Ring took over and set the kitchen on fire."

"Why am I **not** surprised?" the speaker muttered. "It really **is** the quiet ones…" __

_How come he's not freaked out by my response?_

"You don't have any idea who this is, do you?"

"Not really," Yugi answered, with more cheerfulness than he felt.

The speaker quickly ducked under the table. The speaker had a sharp-featured face with bright, mischievous green eyes, and a spiky mass of black hair pulled back into a ponytail.

"DUKE?" Yugi yelped.

"Sssh." Duke hissed, glancing back. "People are gonna wonder what I'm doing. Are you here alone?"

At this, Yami Bakura raised his head to focus bleary, bloodshot chocolate-colored eyes on the dice player.

"Oh, hi, Bakura! How're ya doing?"

At this, Yami Bakura leaned across the floor and promptly threw up on Duke's shoes.

* * *

Tristan stood in the middle of the lobby, looking thoroughly unhappy. Téa had dashed to the bathroom, complaining of stomach problems, and Joey was moping in a chair…over either his "unfaithfulness" to Mai, or the fact that Candy was a boot camp runaway.

"Where could Yugi **be**?" he growled. "I want to leave **now**, before anything else happens."

"MY SHOES!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!"

Duke sprinted from the casino to the men's room. "Hi, Duke," Tristan greeted.

Yugi sheepishly trailed the dice player, half-dragging Yami Bakura.

Tristan eyed the pale boy. "Do I want to know what happened?"

"Not really," Yugi replied, eyes darting to the side.

"He **threw up** on my **shoes**!" Duke nearly screamed, stomping out of the bathroom.

"Said I was sorry," Yami Bakura mumbled.

"You don't mean it."

"But I apologized."

"But you didn't **mean** it."

"…so?"

Téa staggered out of the bathroom. "We need to get to the drugstore or something. My stomach feels horrible," she groaned.

Duke glowered. "Not you, too."

"THERE THEY ARE!" Bob burst out of the door, having just pulled Candy off. He looked rather worse for the wear, sporting a black eye and several scratch marks across his face.

"Ready to go?" Tristan chirped, slinging Yami Bakura over his shoulder.

"Let's," Téa agreed, stomach problems forgotten for the moment.

As Bob charged, Téa and Duke hauled the bawling Joey out of the chair, Tristan leading the way to the parking lot. Yugi grabbed the keys from the shocked valet, and the six teens escaped into the night.

* * *

_Wow…that was a substantial amount of Joey-bashing. Sorry for that, it wasn't intentional. I felt the need to up the comedic relief, so there you go…don't worry, Joe, it'll all be okay later…_

_Sorry if this seemed rushed, I had a case of writer's block regarding how this chapter was to go. But it's done now! Yay!_

_Time for Reader Reviews!_

_**Anime-ruthless**: See, I'm continuing, and other people are reading, too! Yay! Thanks for your loyalty! It's what's keeping this going!_

_**ElfQueen**: You know I do a great job. And claps for you, because you're helping to write this!_

_**EmeraldShadow**: I know you won't. Because if you revoke my privileges, then I can't log on to the school network, thus I can't do classwork, thus I have more work to do at home, thus I have no time to write!_

_**Sean**: Yes, the Kaiba brothers are in this story. You won't meet them for a while, however, but I think I will use that line._

_Next chapter: This is going to be entirely dedicated to Weird Al Yankovic, because ElfQueen and I are obsessive fans. Next stop: Albuquerque!_


	4. Albuquerque

_Whoa. Long time and NO update. Sorry, ElfQueen! But here it is, in all its glory… Ladies and gentlemen, ElfQueen86 and Crescent Venus humbly present the fourth chapter of their Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfiction as a tribute to one of the greatest recording artists in the history of man: "Weird Al" Yankovic. Al, we heart you._

_Chapter 4: Albuquerque

* * *

_

As Yugi would mention later, it was a very, very good thing that Duke had his license. This meant that Tristan wouldn't be so grouchy all the time. It also meant that he could take a nap in the back, too.

So, whilst Duke merrily drove along and fiddled with the radio, Bakura sulked about his ferns, Téa and Joey fought or ignored each other, and Yugi counted random things. And Tristan made funny noises as he slept. But we shall not dwell upon that.

Finally, Duke managed to find a station to his liking.

"Howdy, people," the DJ drawled in a voice that sounded much like that of a Kentucky trucker. "You're listenin' to Hardcore 10-4, the sound of Albuquerque."

"Is this country music?" Yugi peered suspiciously at the radio. "I don't like country. I don't want to listen to country."

"Too bad!" Duke cheerily informed him. "Driver's choice!"

"Now, for y'all out there, we've got a real treat today. That's right; our weekly Stump the Expert trivia contest!"

"Oh, goody," Téa mumbled.

"All y'all have ta do is call in with the correct answer, and you could win a fabulous prize!"

"He sounds like Bob Barker—only scarier. And he keeps saying y'all," Téa commented.

"These contests are so **stupid**," Joey complained. "They ask ya really random stuff that **NOBODY** knows, like, what the capital of Florida is…"

"Tallahassee," Duke supplied.

"…and the prize is always something stupid, like a free facial…"

"And **what's** wrong with facials, may I ask?" Téa inquired frostily, giving Joey a Death Glare.

"They're girly," the blonde snorted in contempt.

"So?" Duke inquired frostily.

Joey, Téa, and Yugi stared at Duke. Duke stared at them in the rearview mirror. "What?"

Téa shook her head. "You're such a metro."

"And is there something **wrong** with that?"

"…and now, this week's question," the DJ continued. "What is the correct number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt?"

Yugi smacked his forehead. Téa burst out laughing. "My God," she managed through her snickers, "who would honestly…"

"Hello? This is Hardcore 10-4, right?"

Joey was leaning forward earnestly, Téa's cell phone clutched to his ear, staring at the radio intensely.

The brunette looked from her empty hands (where her phone had been thirty seconds ago), to Joey, and back.

"Yer're on the air, pardner. What's yer answer?" the DJ drawled.

"One million, 283 thousand, 217." Joey bit his lip and clutched the cell phone even tighter.

Complete silence.

"Uh…well…"

"Nice try," Duke smirked.

"You're off by three…"

The car swerved violently to the right as Duke promptly collapsed onto the passenger seat.

"But close enough! You win our grand prize—a one-night stay at tha Albuquerque Holiday Inn!"

"WHOO HOO!" Joey punched the ceiling and cheered. Yugi clapped happily for Joey's good fortune. Téa rolled her eyes. Tristan threw a pillow at Joey, mumbling at him to "Keep it down, idiot."

Bakura had rushed to the front to revive Duke and attempt to prevent the vehicle from sailing horizontally off the exit ramp.

"Stay on tha line while we set y'all up!"

Téa slumped in her seat. "This does not bode well."

* * *

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Uh…no?" Joey offered.

Téa stared at the room the radio station had provided them with. "Two beds and a sofa."

Bakura patted the coverlet of the nearest bed. "Nice, huh?"

The brunette gave him an incredulous look. "There are **six** of us. There are only **three** beds."

"Very good, Téa!" Duke remarked, clapping. "You've learned to count!"

Téa's backpack made contact with Duke's face approximately ten seconds later.

Whilst the dice-player twitched in agony on the floor, Joey surveyed the room. "So yer problem is…?"

"We'll have to sleep with each other, genius." Téa rolled her eyes.

Joey and Tristan briefly eyed each other.

"I call sleeping with Téa!" Joey shouted, with an unmistakable smirk.

Five seconds later, he joined Duke on the floor.

The brunette threw her hands up in the air as she turned to the remaining three boys. "Look, divide the beds however you want; I just refuse to sleep with one of you."

Yugi blushed faintly, nodding.

The girl turned around, heading for the small bathroom. "If you need me, I'll be taking a nice hot shower. Pretending I'm not with those two in a hotel room." She jerked her thumb at the groaning lumps on the floor.

* * *

It had been a long, hard, and fairly sleepless night for the unfortunate Miss Gardner. It was decided that she would sleep on the couch, with the boys divided up among the beds. Unfortunately, the couch smelled of sauerkraut.

Téa **hated** sauerkraut.

When she was little, her mother had force-fed her a bowl of the stuff in the conviction that "It's good for you!" She was nearly at the point of stuffing it down the girl's mouth in a funnel when Mr. Gardner had intervened.

But to this day, Téa could not look at a bowl of the pickled cabbage without the urge to hurl it out the nearest window…or stomping it into a small pile of mush if the room didn't have one.

So, at eleven o'clock at night, she was forced to vacate the sofa, or else be forced to remove it from the room. Besides, the windows weren't big enough.

The floor wasn't **too** comfy, but she managed to make herself slightly comfortable. Unfortunately, she soon discovered that Joey not only snored, but also talked in his sleep. After a half-hour-long tirade about donuts and blond girls in mini-skirts, Téa was once again forced to find a new sleeping area.

Or strangle Joey. Whichever was easiest.

As a last-ditch resort, she lined the bathtub with towels, stole a pillow from one of the beds, grabbed a heap of blankets, and made a small bed. With the door locked from the inside and firmly closed, she curled up into the fetal position, and tried to gain a few hours' sleep.

It must have worked, because the next thing she knew, Bakura was banging on the door, begging to come in and use the loo.

After unlocking the door, she hid behind the shower curtain while the British boy relieved himself.

"What are you doing in here?" he innocently asked as he finished washing his hands.

She rubbed the back of her neck, which seemed to have gotten stiff. "Sleeping. Or trying to, anyway. Joey smells and the couch snores. I mean, Joey snores and the couch smells," she corrected, flustered. She laughed nervously. "I'm running on maybe four or five hours' sleep here. Don't mind me."

The pale boy laughed good-naturedly. "I know what you mean. I had to share with Duke." He suddenly scowled. "He likes to roll around. He kept smacking me in the face." Here Bakura paused thoughtfully. "And then he kicked me in the back of the knee somehow."

Téa chuckled as she pulled herself out of 'bed.' _Time to hit the road…_

* * *

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'THERE'S NO FOOD'?"

Téa and Duke stared, flabbergasted, at a nervous Tristan. He held his hands up in the universal 'don't hurt me' position.

"Apparently, no meals were included with our free room, and the hotel doesn't serve breakfast on weekdays."

Joey whimpered from where he'd collapsed upon receiving the news. "Donuts…"

Yugi sighed. "This **would** be our luck, huh?"

_/What's wrong/_

_/There's no food for breakfast/_, Yugi explained to Yami. _/We're going to have to go out and buy something soon, because none of us have eaten for twelve hours./_

A pause.

_/Neener, neener, neener/_

_/It's NOT FUNNY! Just because YOU don't have a physical body doesn't mean you can make fun of the needs of those who DO/_

_/Yes, I can./_

_/No, you can't./_

_/Can too./_

_/Can not./_

_/Can so./_

_/Can not./_

_/Can too./_

_/Can…/_

"YUGI!"

"Eh?" The short boy blinked violently, realizing the entire group was staring at him.

"See?" Duke gestured dramatically. "The hunger has already begun to cripple us. First Joey," he pointed at the mumbling prone figure, "and now Yugi! The poor kid's begun to hallucinate!"

"I was n-" Yugi cut off before he realized that explaining that he had been arguing with Yami would cause a lot more stupid, unnecessary questions that it would answer. "Never mind."

"Donut…"

"We get it, Joey!" Tristan barked. "Just hang on, already!"

Duke sighed and bent down, picking up an arm. "Let's just go. It shouldn't be that hard to find a donut shop around here."

"Kay," Tristan agreed. He turned to the others. "You wanna come with?"

"I'll stay here," Téa demurred, eying the beds. "We can…um…maybe mooch some of those chocolate mints off the maid."

"Capital idea!" Bakura exclaimed. "I'll stay, then. I do love a good mint."

"And I'll, uh, keep you company!" Yugi volunteered.

Tristan raised an eyebrow. "Fine. We shouldn't take long." He nudged Joey's body. "Duke, grab his left, I'll get the right."

The black-haired boy grunted as he attempted to pry the blonde off the carpet. "God, he's freakin' **heavy**! What does he **eat**?"

"Whatever he can get his hands on," Tristan answered as the two dragged the Duelist out of the room.

* * *

"Here we are!" Tristan announced cheerfully as he dragged Joey by his ankles. Duke pushed the door open, the bells jingling merrily to announce that yet another happy soul had come to partake in donut goodness.

Tristan carefully dragged Joey over the threshold, Duke following.

The guy behind the counter glanced up. This donut salesperson was not in a good mood today. He was in a bad mood because something very bad had happened. What had happened? We shall find out.

"Yeah, whaddya want?" he growled, folding his arms in a rather grumpy and not-so-nice-ish fashion.

"Hi!" said Tristan brightly, dropping Joey's ankles for a moment. "You guys got any glazed donuts?"

"Nah, we're out of glazed donuts." The man leaned back, squinting his eyes in a suspicious fashion. After all, the one kid had dragged a dead body into his shop, and the other was wearing leather pants. Something strange **had** to be going on.

"Well, you got any jelly donuts?"

"Naw, we're out of jelly donuts."

"You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"

"Naw, we're out of Bavarian cream-filled donuts."

Tristan's eyebrow twitched. "You got any cinnamon rolls?"

"No, we're out of cinnamon rolls."

The brunette boy gritted his teeth. "You got any apple fritters?"

"No, we're out of apple fritters!"

Tristan's eyebrow twitched, his teeth gritted together, and he gripped the counter, stepping over Joey's legs. "You got any bear claws?"

The man behind the counter paused. "Wait a minute. I'll go check."

As he turned and left, Tristan turned back to grin at Duke. The black-clad teen was leaning against the wall, examining his nails. "Fun," he said flatly.

"Fine, then. No donuts for you."

The man returned, with a grin on his face. He carried a white bakery box in his hands. Tristan's face lit up like a small child on Christmas.

_Finally! Donuts! I can hardly wait…_

The man's grin turned sadistic. "No, we're out of bear claws!"

The teenager's eyes filled with tears, and his lower lip trembled. Duke sighed, and pushed himself off the wall, striding to the counter. "In that case…" he stopped, bewildered. "In that case, what **do** you have?"

The man showed them the box in his hands. "Well, all I got right now is this box of one dozen, starving, crazed, weasels."

Duke stared as the box twitched and squeaked.

Tristan extended his arms happily. "Okay, I'll take that."

* * *

"What is **wrong** with you?" Duke shrieked as the brunette paid twenty dollars for the box, and picked up Joey, dragging him out by one leg.

"Look, food's food. And I'm starving." He offered the box to Duke. "You can have some, too."

Duke wrinkled his nose. "No, thank you."

At this point, a homeless man, carrying a Styrofoam cup, wandered down the street towards the boys. Perhaps he was drawn to them because of the bakery box in their hands. Maybe he hoped he would get a donut. 

"Excuse me, fellas," he said, stopping. "I haven't had a bite in three days. Would you…" He waved the cup suggestively.

Tristan looked at the box, and sighed. _I'm hungry, but this poor guy is starving. I can wait._

He held the bakery box out to the man, who gratefully accepted it. The man lifted the box, wondering what sort of donuts the boys had bought. He blinked as he opened the lid.

"AAAAGGGGHHH!"

* * *

"Mmmm." Téa pulled the wrapper off another chocolate mint, popping it into her mouth. "This is great! Bakura, where'd you find all these?"

She was sitting with Yugi and Bakurs on one of the hotel beds, a mound of chocolate mints almost as big as Yugi in the middle. At least, the pile **had been** as big as Yugi…before they starting eating.

The British boy smiled shyly, eyes downcast. "Well, there was this maid's cart out in the hallway…"

Yugi leaned forward, violet eyes open wide. "So you stole them off the cart?"

"Actually, no. The maid was there. I somehow managed to…er…con her out of them."

Téa cocked an eyebrow. "This doesn't involve your yami, does it?"

Bakura repressed a shudder. "Goodness, no. You would have heard the explosion." He took a deep breath. "I actually managed to convince her that I was an actor from the Harry Potter movies."

Yugi frowned. "But none of the actors resemble you."

The pale boy shrugged. "I hinted that I played Malfoy, and she got rather excited. Then she made me sign a bath towel before I left." He paused as he unwrapped another candy. "I couldn't remember the boy's name, so I just wrote mine in very messy script. Hopefully, she won't notice."

"And hopefully, the rest of the guests at the hotel won't notice that we swiped all their mints," Téa added.

"I wouldn't worry," Yugi reassured her. "Nobody's probably noticed by now."

* * *

The large person stared at their pillow. A small indentation remained where their chocolate mint should have been. It snorted in anger, its nostril flaring.

The large person stood them self up. They would not rest until the missing chocolate mint had been found.

* * *

Tristan and Duke stared as the man screamed and lunged around the street, weasels gnawing at his face.

"AAAAUGH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me!"

He ran sideways into a garbage can, clawing at his face. The man managed to detach one before he picked himself off the ground, and ran down the street, screaming for help.

"He looks like a constipated wiener dog," Tristan commented.

"Oddly enough, he does," Duke agreed.

* * *

"Mmmm, these are **sooo** good," Téa remarked, popping another chocolate mint into her mouth.

"Normally, I wouldn't eat so many of these," Yugi agreed, "but beggars can't be choosers, I guess…"

"Hey, Bakura," said Téa, pausing her eating for a minute, "what are you doing over there?"

The pale boy turned around from where he'd been rummaging through his overnight case. "Well, you see," he began, blushing, "I heard on the radio a few days ago that a new Sea World is being built here in Albuquerque, and I was checking to make sure I had…**this**."

He looked left. He looked right. He looked up, then down. Finally, Bakura looked to his front, back, and diagonally. Finally, he brandished…

"A snorkel?" Yugi blinked.

"Not just ANY snorkel!" Bakura protested. "It's my lucky snorkel! It was autographed by the Queen herself!"

Téa scratched her head. "Um…hurray."

Bakura beamed. "And it glows in the dark, too!" He cupped his hands around one end, peering at it in the shadow it created. "Oooh…glowing…"

Téa shook her head and returned to her chocolates. Yugi, however, seemed flabbergasted over the idea of a Sea World in Albuquerque.

"But…Albuquerque's **landlocked**…"

* * *

"I'm **sooo** hungry," Tristan groaned, tugging Joey along by the ankles.

"I'm just as hungry as you are, but you don't hear **me** complaining," Duke muttered under his breath.

"Look, when you've been lugging Joey around Albuquerque by his ankles, then YOU can complain, okay?"

"Fine."

Joey drooled, his face grinding along the concrete.

"So…where are we gonna find something to eat, anyway?"

"I don't know. There don't seem to be any restaurants or grocery stores in this part of town. Weird, huh?"

"**Freaky** weird," Duke grumbled.

"Maybe we should just go to the nearest store and ask if they can give us directions to the nearest snack stand or something."

"All right!" Duke brightened and ran in the direction of the nearest shop, pleased by the introduction of a plan.

Tristan sighed. "I wonder where he gets the energy from…" He grabbed Joey's ankles once more, and trudged off in the direction that the short boy had gone.

* * *

The last room…the only one where the stolen mints could be…the large person smiled in triumph, nostril flaring with anticipation. _Steal MY mints, will you?

* * *

_

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

"Well, now, who could that be?" Bakura asked, scratching his head.

"Maybe it's Tristan and Duke! Maybe they found food!" Yugi brightened, straightening up.

"Who is it?" Téa called.

No answer.

"Who **is** it?" Téa stared at the door.

"WHO **IS** IT?" She had now switched into 'Scary Téa' mode. Hoo boy, you do **not** want to be around her when she's Scary Téa…

"They're not saying anything…" Yugi mumbled. _Something's not right…_

"I have a sneaking suspicion…" Bakura mumbled.

Veins pulsing, Téa strode to the door and yanked it open. "Who-"

Standing before her was a big, fat hermaphrodite with a flock-of-seagulls haircut and only one nostril. And it did **not** look happy.

"Aw, man, I hate it when I'm right," Bakura mumbled.

"I KNEW it!" The hermaphrodite bellowed. "YOU'RE the ones stealing all the mints!" And with a war cry, it launched itself at the pile.

It was just the kind of luck Bakura had for his yami to surface at that moment. It only took Yami Bakura 3.57 seconds to process the situation (fat hermaphrodite tackling pile of chocolate) and decide upon a rational course of action (ATTACK!).

Téa and Yugi, meanwhile, flattened themselves against the wall, clinging to each other as the other two bit, kicked and punched over the pile of chocolate.

"May-maybe we should call security?" Yugi's eyes were wider than saucers by now, which would quite possibly be the size of dessert plates.

Téa, however, had a different idea. "YEAH, Bakura! You go, man! Aim for the kidneys!"

* * *

"Duke, I don't think this is the best place to ask."

"Why not?"

"Dude, take a look around. It's a **calligraphy** store."

"So…?"

"…Never mind."

Tristan had had a slight bit of difficulty dragging Joey through the door—his head kept getting stuck in the doorjamb—but now the group was inside the air-conditioned shop. Tristan appreciated the cool air, but he would have appreciated a soft pretzel even more by this point.

The store was, indeed, a stenciling and calligraphy hobby shop, with numerous displays set around the floor randomly. This made maneuvering around very difficult, since the unconscious Joey was the proverbial bull in the china shop. The store appeared to be nearly deserted, except for one shopper perusing various pens.

Seeing as she was female and under the age of twenty-five, Duke made an instinctive beeline for her, momentarily forgetting his ardent desire for something to eat. Slightly startled, she looked up as he stood by her side.

Duke turned on his patented 100 mega-watt smile. "Good afternoon, miss. I happen to be new in town, and in need of some assistance."

Either reassured by his friendly demeanor, or simply dazzled by his dark good looks, the girl smiled and held out her hand. "Hi. I'm Zelda. I'll be happy to hel-"

Duke took her hand and kissed it, staring dazedly at her. "Zelda…such a beautiful name…"

"Uh…" Zelda sweated nervously. He was still holding her hand and staring at her.

Tristan raised an eyebrow and shook his head. "I'm Tristan. The unconscious one is Joey, and the spaz is Duke."

"Your hair…it's the color of strained peaches…"

"Would you happen to know a place—hopefully nearby—where we could grab a bite to eat? This one," Tristan indicated Joey by shaking his leg, "passed out from hunger, and I think Duke's gone into some sort of nutrient-deprived stupor."

"Sure!" Zelda cheerfully replied, somewhat reassured by the normal-sounding guy in the trenchcoat. "But, first, get this guy off me."

* * *

Meanwhile, Yami Bakura and the hermaphrodite seemed to be evenly matched in their fierce battle. The hermaphrodite had begun by trying to yank the spirit's beloved bushy white mane out by its roots, so the latter defended himself by biting his opponent in the esophagus.

Téa and Yugi had huddled behind the couch for protection, the brunette screaming in bloodlust, and the spiky-haired boy hiding his face in his hands, praying that they wouldn't have to pay for any damages incurred by the hotel room.

At this point, the hermaphrodite had nearly chewed off Yami Bakura's left eyebrow, leaving the ancient spirit quite understandably upset. With a fierce cry, he pushed himself back, landed on the couch, and swan-dove onto his opponent, screaming the _Xena_ battle cry. At this point, Yugi pulled Téa down to the floor with him, attempting to prevent her from being smacked in the head with any random flying objects.

As a result, Téa ended up pinning Yugi to the floor with her superior weight, noses touching, and Yugi's face as red as Joey's sister's hair. Now, despite the shrieks and crashes that marked the fierce tussle occurring in their hotel room, the situation was rather romantic…the two of them…together…faces so close… And Téa, being an opportunist, decided to make her move.

_I've been too scared to admit it, but I've had a crush on Yugi for the longest time…maybe…now…_

Téa leaned forward, closing her eyes. Yugi flushed even deeper red, if that was possible. Her lips got closer… Yugi closed his eyes…

A bloodcurdling scream pierced the air, and a floor lamp sailed across the room to crash near the sofa. Yugi yelped and bolted upward, violently smacking his forehead against Téa's.

As the two groaned and massaged their aching foreheads, Bakura—or Yami Bakura, it was hard to tell—was screaming bloody murder and throwing things. Quite normal, really, but with a hermaphrodite thrown in, anything was possible.

Steeling his nerve, Yugi peeked around the corner of the sofa. The intruder was gone, one bed was broken, along with most of the furniture, and Yami Bakura was hopping up and down, screaming, and trying to rip the phone out of the wall to throw it.

He turned back to Téa. "It's safe now, you can come out."

"What **happened**?" Téa blinked as she crawled out from behind the sofa.

"He TOOK IT!" Yami Bakura screamed, dark brown eyes ready to explode. His mood quickly 180'ed, though, and he collapsed onto the remains of the bedframe in tears. Bakura surfaced, wailing like his puppy had been run over.

"He g-got awaaaay with it!" he sniffled.

"With what?" Téa asked, a bit gentler than before.

"M-m-my SNOOOOOORRKKKKELLLLLL!" Bakura sobbed.

Yugi patted Bakura on the shoulder, wondering if all British people were just crazy, or just this one.

And once again, Yami Bakura surfaced, hair sticking out more wildly than before, and eyes glinting with murderous intent. "I WILL NOT rest," he swore, hopping onto the broken headboard to strike a dramatic pose, "until the one-nostrilled man….thing…is brought to justice."

The others clapped.

And with this, Yami Bakura leapt off the bed, and made a dash to the elevators, leaving Yugi and Téa to follow.

* * *

Zelda led the way down the street; nervously conscious of the group she was leading. Duke was still slathering over her good looks, and Tristan was following, nonchalance written across his features as he casually strolled along, with an unconscious Joey slung over one shoulder.

"I can take you to my work," Zelda offered. "It's my lunch break, and the cafeteria should still be open."

"That would be simply _delightful_," Duke purred.

Tristan smacked Duke in the back of the head. "We'd appreciate it very much," he stated simply as Duke stopped drooling over Zelda long enough to rub the back of his head.

"So…where **do** you work, anyway?"

* * *

Chocolate is not very nutritious for you. It provides you with only a small amount of energy. So if you've eaten a small amount of chocolate, you'll get an even smaller amount of energy.

Thanks to these basic principles, Bakura, Yugi, and Téa ran out of steam a few streets away from the hotel. After managing to pry themselves off the sidewalk, the trio made its way to the nearest park bench.

"But where did he **go**?" Yugi mused. "The desk clerk saw him leave the hotel…"

"Who…_huff_…knows," Téa panted. "He could…_puff…_be anywhere by now."

"Snorkel…" Bakura whimpered.

"Okay, Yugi, think," the small teen mumbled to himself. "If I was a snorkel, where would I be?"

_/Snor…kel/_

_/Never mind. I'll explain later./_

_/That's what you **always** say…/_

"Well, obviously somewhere with water," Téa was saying as Yugi closed the mind link to Yami. "But where would you find a body of water around here, besides the municipal pool?"

In a twist of irony (because the world is **extremely** ironic), the three tired teenagers looked up. And looming in front of them, majestic in its still-uncompleted, opening-on July 15th, -fun-for-all-ages grandeur was…

"Sea World!" Bakura cried happily, clasping his hands.

"That was convenient," Yugi remarked. "Maybe Bakura's snorkel is in there."

"But it's still under construction," Téa pointed out. "It isn't even open to the general public yet. Why would the snorkel thief by in **there**?"

Bakura, however, had not been listening to Téa's logic, and launched himself at the building.

Yugi and Téa sweatdropped as they watched Bakura break through the doors like they were balsa wood. "I guess that's our cue to follow."

* * *

"But why are they building a Sea World in Albuquerque, of all places?" Tristan asked as they followed Zelda to the personnel-only area.

Zelda shrugged. "Why not?" She grinned at the startled look on Tristan's face. "Well, it's going to be the first in a bigger, nation-wide chain. It's our goal," she recited from the staff meeting on Wednesday, "to have a Sea World in every state of the Union, so the nation's children may become acquainted with marine life."

"It sounds vaguely wrong," Tristan mumbled, as he pushed open the door to pull Joey through.

"A fridge!" Duke cried dramatically.

"NO!" Zelda shrieked. "Don't open that! That's for the…"

By this time, a starving Duke and Tristan had discovered several buckets of raw fish, and were trying to consume them in their extreme hunger.

"…for the animals…"

* * *

Our intrepid snorkel hunters gaped as they traipsed through the uncompleted structures in the park. Various staff members were milling around, frantically trying to finish the park's completion. Thankfully, nobody stopped the teens to ask why they were trespassing, or to call security.

"Where do we look first, I wonder?" Bakura mused.

Splashing noises were coming from a large, amphitheater-like structure to their left. Yugi turned to look at Téa. Téa turned to look at Bakura. Bakura was trying to figure out where they were on the map.

Sighing in frustration, Téa grabbed both boys by the collar, and dragged them off in the direction of the building, Yugi nearly dangling off the ground.

Upon entering the building, they gaped. It **was** an amphitheater, and one that surrounded a very familiar-looking pool. Yugi frowned for a moment, trying to place it in his mind…

With spectacular timing, a massive killer whale leaped out of the water. The three screamed, and clutched onto each other.

"Never fear! It is I, protector of the ocean and friend of all who dwell in it!"

Yugi blinked. "Is Shamu talking to us?"

Téa coughed. "Uh, no. Look at the guy **riding** on Shamu."

"Oh."

True enough, standing on top of the killer whale, scuba gear and harpoon in hand (and to Téa's secret delight, only wearing his swim trunks), stood none other than the famous Ocean Duelist Mako Tsunami.

What he was doing in the killer whale tank was a complete mystery to our three intrepid friends, but it was suddenly deemed unimportant. What they really wanted to know was if he'd seen Bakura's snorkel.

"I was asked to become an employee here, and I gratefully complied, Mako told them proudly, waving the harpoon in his hand around to compliment his words. "So Shamu-" here he nearly beheaded Bakura "-and I are training together." He beamed at them.

"That's nice, I'm sure," Yugi stammered, trying to edge away from the harpoon-swinging duelist. "But what we're really here to look for is…"

"HEY YOU GUYS!"

"What **now**?" Téa grumbled.

Tristan and Duke were running towards them from one of the buildings, dragging a yellow-and-blue lump with them. The four standing by the whale tank waited as the two boys caught up. As they keeled over, panting, Yugi grinned. "You guys found your way back! Great! …and why are you dragging Joey?"

"Long story. We're still looking for food," Tristan groaned. "We ran into some girl at the calligraphy store, but that turned out to be a bust."

"Yeah," Duke grinned, "she sure di-"

At this remark, Téa picked up Joey's limp arm and began smacking Duke with it.

Before anyone could restrain Téa—or pick up Joey's other arm to smack Duke with—Zelda came running out of the building that the boys had so recently vacated. Her pretty face was dark with anger.

"You ruined the food for the sea lions!" she shrieked. "Now I have to go all the way to Roswell for more fish!"

"Can't you just go in town?" Bakura asked, confused.

"No, you dolt!" Zelda shrieked. "There ARE no supermarkets in Albuquerque!"

The group face-faulted at this astounding revelation. "Then why did we waste so much time looking for food?" Tristan muttered. At this, everyone glared at Bakura.

Zelda, however, was more interested in Mako. "You were playing with Shamu again, WEREN'T you?" she accused.

Mako's head drooped as he stared at his feet. "Yes," he mumbled, ashamed.

"That is IT, Tsunami! First it was eating the fish on display, then it was trying to make the seal play a trumpet…you're FIRED!" Zelda paused for a moment, and then turned to the left. "SECURITY!"

In approximately 3.245 and a half seconds, two large, beefy-looking lifeguards popped up on either side of Zelda. She said, sweetly, "Nathaniel?" (as the one on his right cracked his knuckles), "Superfly?" (the one on the left did the same). "Please escort Mr. Tsunami and his friends off the premises."

Mako briefly considered using his harpoon to fend them off, but was jerked away by a madly stampeding Yugi, Téa, Bakura, Duke, and Tristan, who was carrying Joey.

If Mako had known what he was getting into, he probably would have saved himself a lot of trouble and just sliced his limbs off with a chainsaw.

* * *

_18 pages! How the heck did I end up with an 18-page tribute to Weird Al's song "Albuquerque"? (scratches head)_

_I'll try to continue this during the summer—writing this just isn't as much fun during the school year._

_To try and go through the entire chapter and point out each detail would be incredibly OCD-esque, so I won't._

_Reader Review Response_

**_ElfQueen86: _**_Now you can stop yelling at me. Your favorite chapter is here!_

**_Ed:_**_ Thanks! Sorry it took so long, though._

**_Omega19x_**_: Trust me, the convention is going to be wild. Come on: Yami Yugi, Yami Bakura, Kaiba AND Pegasus all under one roof? Chaos, man. Pure and utter chaos._

_Next chapter: On the road again…and it's onward to Iowa…as long as they steer clear of cows and bikers…_


End file.
